"I'm never more myself than when I'm being someone else."

I said this to a cast mate last night after another hysterically fun, sold-out performance of Avenue Q at the Little Theater of Norfolk (running for two more weeks, and yes, that was my sales pitch). He grinned in agreement and said, "You need to make that your Facebook status."

I laughed, because it's definitely one of those well-phrased, quippy plugs I tend to make on Facebook - actor friends would appreciate it, people who know my sense of humor would get it. It's easy and brief and just relateable enough to make people click "Like," before moving on with their lives.

But here's the thing. The raw truth in that statement has eaten at me since the moment I said it. And not just because it skews a little on the "emotionally unhealthy" side - I mean, those aren't cards I've ever held that closely to the chest, anyway. It's more about perception. About the image I put out into the world. About the way people are perceiving other people - and how they're almost always wrong.

Someone recently referred to me as "popular." As "the popular girl." It was an off-putting assessment - not an insulting one, by any means - just surprising. But, it's not untrue, I guess. I surround myself with people I love, and I try to be kind and as funny as is humanly possible so they continue to want to be around me... But, it can feel like a calculated maneuver. I've referred to myself as a "personality chameleon." If the person I'm being doesn't seem to meld with the person that you're being, then I can make adjustments. I can make you like me. Or I can certainly put a lot of time and energy into TRYING to make you like me. I try not to do hateful things, like talk about other people behind their backs, even when it's popular opinion. (Which is not to say I don't do  it - I just don't like myself when I do it.) I try to stick up for the little guy. I even (often unsuccessfully) try to wipe the knee-jerk snotty look off my face when people are saying things I find completely inane. I generally don't talk about my bad days. I know what makes people unlikeable, and those are the things I avoid.

But what people tend to forget, or simply not realize, is that I spent the better part of my life being painfully shy. Literally running away from any scenario that made me uncomfortable. And if you think that doesn't still happen, you'd be so very wrong. Only now, there's the added benefit of getting to berate yourself afterwards for being a "31-year-old woman who just ran away from a group of enthusiastic high school students who were trying to get your autograph," because you couldn't wrap your head around the fact they might actually want to talk to you, and not just your six other, better cast mates.

But the "perks of being a wallflower," so to speak (thank you Stephen Chbosky), are actually this: I see it. I recognize the hesitancy. The running away. The thought that you might like to say what's on your mind, but you're so choked up in your own thoughts that nothing ever comes out of your mouth. And that's the reason perception is a terrifying thing. The amount of energy people spend wishing they were more like someone else, when they're probably not even grasping the reality of who that person is in the first place. You like me because I get you. I get you because I WAS you. I still am you. And that's why I put my energy into drawing you out in the first place.

Actors are insecure. I'm insecure. It's not groundbreaking news. But perception is the devil.
You become a chameleon because you hope to avoid drawing attention to yourself - and sometimes that disguise is bright and colorful (or kind and funny), but it suits the surroundings and you blend in. "I'm never more myself than when I'm being someone else," is always going to be true for me. Onstage, offstage... Even popular girls don't always know who they are.